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by Lorie J. Hopper |
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| French Version | Italian Version | |||
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He was a very large man. He had dark eyes that could pierce right through you, sending cold chills running down your spine. He was officially feared enough to warrant a minimum of 2 "riot teams" anytime he was forcefully extracted from his cell. He was so fundamentally evil that in addition to being sentenced to Texas Death Row, he viciously attacked and murdered a fellow inmate on the rec yard. It happened during my shift, in the rec yard of a wing I worked regularly. I thank God I was off work that day. I cannot honestly know how that sight might have affected me. The graphic depictions of that day’s events by fellow officers and inmate witnesses were gruesome; just as recounts of any heinous crime would be. The sheer brutality, the disregard and lack of compassion for the life of another human being is frightening. It is not my intent, desire or purpose to judge this man for his actions that day in the rec yard. Nor am I here to analyze the crime which originally brought him to that place. I will not reveal his name out of respect for his family and his memory. Those who I am speaking to will know his name. I doubt I will ever understand what causes any person to take the life of another and in that spirit let me reiterate this disclaimer: it is not my intent to excuse or reason away the act of murder. I will leave that mystery to those more qualified than I. If you are on Death Row, then you have been legally (wrongfully or not) convicted of capital murder and sentenced to death. Now that we have that obvious fact behind us, let me assure you that my thoughts and feelings are for ALL humans facing the death sentence. My care and compassion extend to the guilty as well as those wrongfully convicted. Most people generally view death row inmates as monsters. I suppose that is understandable when all they see are graphic crime reports through the media or listen to haunting testimony in court. I have seen another side of many people who have been executed and some still awaiting execution. Had I not worked as a correctional officer on Texas Death Row, I couldn’t tell you that the same inmate who was capable of killing a fellow inmate was also an extremely intelligent person. He had a great sense of humor and sometimes he was a lot like a big kid. The boredom of his small confines often prompted him to dare the officers to remove him from his cell by force. If his life had taken a different path, he might have been an excellent psychologist or even a criminal analyst, as he enjoyed observing and tinkering with human behavior. While working in Solitary, several days after the murder, I did not see the face of the evil, sadistic killer which would be consistent with the ugly truth of what happened. I viewed the same jovial, bored face smiling at me, which I had grown accustomed to seeing. Without saying a word, I simply shook my head at him, in disbelief at what he’d done. Once again I thanked God that I was spared the witnessing of such a baffling and gruesome event. Although it’s been almost 10 years, I have many memories of those I met while working on Texas Death Row. Most people will never see the human face of Death Row that I saw. Sadly enough, most people will only have their generalized belief that murderers should also be murdered.
Let me
introduce myself: These days, most people I meet have a really hard time believing that I was once a corrections officer and even harder to believe that I worked 2 years on Texas Death Row. At first, they wrongfully assume I worked at a women’s facility or as a secretary in an office at a male unit. I don’t know why it should be so mind blowing that little old me once walked the catwalks of J-21/J-23. The basis of their disbelief, no doubt, comes from the misconception out here about monstrous death row inmates. I am always asked if working on Death Row was “scarier" than working with “regular” inmates. My answer is always a firm, “No.” General population has plenty of convicted murderers, as well as the old pre "cruel and unusual punishment" death row population; whose death sentences were commuted to life in the 70's. Besides, any officer who truly believes they are "safer" in any part of any prison should seriously rethink their career options. The overall message I'm desperately trying to convey in this snippet is that, "No it was not spooky & creepy to work among death row inmates." Believe it or not, I never saw one man with horns growing from his forehead. Some claimed that they were innocent, some admitted guilt, and some never addressed the subject. I remember even at that point, I was mature enough not to allow the "possible innocence" scenario to affect my performance as a corrections officer. My opinion was dull indifference and it would have been grossly unfair to treat anyone differently. It was really hard work; physically & mentally. There was a very fine line between trying to do the job fairly and not being too "friendly." It was hard to be treated differently by male staff & inmates. I was there to do a job, I took pride in that and I was always too stubborn to be treated with kid gloves. My desire to advance my career along with a little bit of a "napoleon complex" were reasons why I insisted on working the Death Row Segregation wings. (Rolling doors every day was also quite boring) Just because I was a female, only 5'3" in height was no reason why I couldn't do the same work as the male officers. The day-to-day work was mostly routine and generally uneventful. I didn't spend much time pondering upon the fact that I was working in the midst of persons who had been, at the very least, convicted of capital murder. I saw regular human beings, many of whom had their "knucklehead moments" at times. But I saw people smile, laugh, cry, fight, etc. I saw inmates looking out for each other. I even saw inmates looking out for officers who may not have even known it. I saw them care about issues and other people. I saw them feel down when they hadn't gotten mail or a visit. I saw them feel true pain when a friend was executed. There was even a time when they stood in peaceful unity and declined to eat the breakfast meal following any execution. Those weren't feigned emotions; they were real. Now I don't mean to give you the impression that the inmate population of death row were choir boys, by any means. I won't sugar-coat my memories. I did see a lot of sad things too. There were even times when I got really ticked off myself. Everyone has their good days and bad days. But my point is THEY ARE HUMAN. No tour of the Ellis Unit was complete until visitors toured the infamous Texas Death Row Segregation wings. The sounds coming from the wing when tourists arrived inside were like a "tour alert." They yelled and screamed and basically acted like a bunch of animals. This confused me at first, wouldn't they want to show a positive attitude for these visitors? So one day I asked an inmate what the purpose was for their antics. He said that people (visitors on tour of the unit) were invading the inmates private space; gawking at them as if they were nothing more than caged animals in a zoo ... so they acted accordingly. I have to tell you, even back then, I understood what he meant. The general public couldn’t possibly fathom what prison life is like, just as I can never really understand how it must feel to be in the white uniform instead of the gray. What I can tell you, what I want to tell you is how my time spent as a corrections officer on Texas Death Row changed my views on capital punishment. For almost 5 years now, I have been promising Karen that I would write an article for LHP. I have wanted to write this article for so long. I have silently supported the movement to abolish the death penalty. For whatever reason, today was the day that I sat down and began to write, pages and pages of my sometimes redundant and disorganized thoughts. Before working on Texas Death Row, I strongly supported capital punishment, “an eye for an eye,” … etc. My attitude evolved into indifference while working on death row. Working in a man’s world was hard enough without factoring in the right or wrong of the death penalty. It was years later that I became increasingly convinced that the death penalty was wrong. Perhaps it was a spiritual awakening which played a part in changing my mind. I also believe it was the experience of the years I worked on death row, seeing the human face of death row, which profoundly changed me. There is no scarcity of reasons why the death penalty is wrong. I can cite the numerous reasons in my sleep: wrongful execution of the innocent, execution of juveniles and the mentally impaired, inadequate defense, malicious and corrupt prosecution, racial and socio-economic bias, religious hypocrisy and just plain old hypocrisy itself. As a parent, I try to teach my children that two wrongs don’t make a right. I cherish this quote by Mohandas Gandhi; “An eye for an eye, and soon the whole world is blind.” I hold fast to my reasoning as a Christian, as a Human, as a Texan and as an American that the death penalty is nothing less than “legal homicide.” “It is WRONG to kill; therefore we will KILL you!”
? If we must have the death penalty, let’s call it what it really is “Revenge.” Every conceivable argument against capital punishment can be factored down to one common denominator … the value of human life. I recall reading the words of an inmate, (on the LHP website) describing what it means to be “Truly Pro-Life.” I agree 100%!! Pro-Life means ALL human life, not just some human life or unborn human life. My thoughts would not be complete without addressing the issue of murder victims and their families who are left behind. I have never walked in their shoes and God willing, I never will. I cannot imagine the perpetual pain they suffer. I think it is a normal human emotion to want revenge, so much so that hatred is allowed to consume the heart in the face of such a loss. Remember these people in your prayers; remember that just like you, they are only human. On the other hand, I cannot imagine what it must feel like to have a loved one facing a death sentence. I have heard the comment, "at least they have some time together." I don't think that makes the situation more tolerable or easier. Loss and the pain felt because of it are heart breaking, either way! We also spend too much time rating the evil quotient of murderous crime (even I have been guilty of this). Anyway you look at it, the outcome is the same: blood has been spilled, life has been lost, pain will be felt and the cruel cycle concludes with one last murder. (the execution) As a Christian, I believe we are ALL sinners. I believe that we are ALL entitled to receive God's forgiveness through His Grace. I have never read in the Bible where the sin of capital murder is excluded .. Have you? For those innocent, I cannot give you any answer as to why you are in this forsaken circumstance. I can only urge you to walk in His faith and find a way to make a difference. Maybe you are there for a cause bigger than yourself. I would have written this article much sooner, if I hadn't been so concerned with what others would think. Ex-TDC guard turns Jesus Freak! Something has been tugging at my heart for years to write these words, I look at the list of those already executed and wish I'd spoken sooner. There is such an urgency in my need to let you ALL know that you are not worthless or forgotten. You are not beyond redemption. You are not lost and you are not alone. Your life Does have value & meaning, even now. If I have any regrets about my time working on death row it is that I lacked the emotional maturity and spiritual insight to understand that we are ALL children of GOD. It’s not all gray vs. white. I’m not sure how I would've been characterized back then as an officer, but I tried to do the best job I could. I was probably regarded more like a bratty little sister than a fierce corrections officer. I always felt the need to make people smile. I remember another inmate (now executed) who was very quiet and polite and he seemed to always be working on something important. The first time I ever saw him crack a smile was when I made this statement to him in my most serious tone, “the 70’s are calling – and they want their hair style back!” He sort of looked at me like I was a fruitcake and then he laughed. I also refused to allow myself to be intimidated, no matter the consequences. I don't know if this was such a smart strategy, but looking back it worked I suppose. One day, while serving dinner on one of the work capable wings, an inmate (now executed) came up to the food cart and proceeded to serve himself seconds. It was my normal practice to allow inmates seconds AFTER the entire wing was fed. I knew that the remaining food would just be thrown out in the slop barrels and I hated to see it wasted that way. Anyway, I instructed the inmate to stop what he was doing as I had not finished feeding the wing and that when I was done he was welcome to come back. He looked at me, almost daring me to continue my protests, then proceeded to reach for the metal spoon to get more food. It was one of those defining moments - fight or flight. Fear and adrenaline were running through my veins. This guy was big, he could've snapped my neck with little effort. Something within made me grab the spoon first and once again firmly state that he was NOT going to serve himself seconds until I finished feeding the wing. He did eventually back down, although only he knows why. I am sure it was not because he was physically afraid of me. Maybe he thought I was crazy, maybe he feared he'd be attacked by the other inmates, maybe there was something on TV later he didn't want to miss - who knows! After that day, we never had another confrontation like that. For those who remember me, for those who don’t and even for those who don't really care, I hope you will remember this:
Although
you may feel forgotten and thrown away, you DO still
matter.
Ten years from now someone may be writing about the profound impact you
made in their life. For many years now, it has weighed heavily on my heart that someone could be executed without the understanding of God’s Grace. From time to time I would look at the roster of those who had been executed and those still impending … And pray. On one of these days, I saw the name of the inmate I spoke of earlier, the one who had savagely murdered a fellow inmate. My heart sank UNTIL I read his final statement. I can’t put into words the joy that filled my heart as tears of relief and joy rolled down my cheeks. He had made his peace with God and had been born again. Anyone who only knew of this man by his worst deeds might have questioned his sincerity. Not me, I wasn’t surprised. I was mighty relieved though. I know many Death Row inmates have emotional support from friends & family. They have someone to reassure them that they are still very human. My heart is saddened for those who don't. I don't have all the answers; sometimes I'm not even clear on the questions. I am only human; just like you. My opinion has no more merit than anyone else. Nevertheless, I'm pleased to have this opportunity to share my thoughts. It’s not always easy to look past a person’s worst deeds, but ...
If
you
open your heart,
GOD BLESS YOU ! |
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